grooming and fostering myself,

i have many generic goals for this year.

familiarizing myself with tolerance.
teaching abigail to quit meowing. so frequently.
log into my blog more than facebook.
becoming a little more versatile. the idiom "spreading yourself thin" sounds appealing to me, i want to accomplish everything.
finding the balance.* 15 minutes of silence? yoga? breathing exercises? writing more?  ???
eating healthier than i already am. it is not normal for a girl to eat a small bun and look 5 months pregnant thereafter. am i weaning myself off of my favorite food? yes, i am.  and beer, too. unless its a special occasion. then i'll have a stella artois, please.
learn a song, from start to finish. i dont recall one complete song that i know "by heart"...though the skipping from line to line is from the heart guaranteed.  i tried learning bill withers' "use me" earlier this year before realizing i am just too white. until i found fiona apple singing it. back in action when no one's home.
find a routine, no matter how uncool that is. i want to be a morning bird and a night owl. and for each, i want to give my best.
pass my midpoint later this fall, currently trying to find my own design philosophy. im collecting artifacts and pure words that are simple to convey but echo strongly. my girl is not romantic fluff but she is also not a jagged sword. rather, a walking poem.
be more engaged in the world.
i need to learn an eloquent way to become the listener of the conversation. is it hard to believe that people who talk a lot, don't always want to be the chief of entertainment? there is a certain pressure when everyone's eyes lean toward you, waiting that you give them material to laugh, or nod their heads to, so they have engaged in the conversation. well, you will not evade me this year. i will sit with you, and grin, too, awaiting your thoughts. no matter how awkward that shit will get.
a pro pro awkward: not falling.
learn how to correctly iron colin's dress shirts. why is it always hell? why does mom do it so effortlessly?
assert my kitchen skills more, because internally, i am quite proud of my cooking etiquette. and wear that cute apron kim bought me from a yard sale, just to celebrate my new found respect for domesticity.
work on my signature, holy shit, have i got an ugly signature.
floss more.
organize the closet and all of the paperwork i always think i will need, but never do. i'm not a hoarder. i think.
stretch more. i really like stretching.
grow out my Spock haircut. i'm not kidding.

all my life i have been afraid

 

a bee cleaning itself, morning ritual.

The Garden

Like a skein of loose silk blown against a wall
She walks by a railing of a path in Kensington Gardens,
And she is dying piece-meal
Of a sort of emotional anemia.

And round about the is a rabbel
Of the filthy, sturdy, unkillable infants of the poor.
They shall inherit the earth.

In her is the end of breeding.
Her boredom is exquisite and excessive.

She would like someone to speak to her,
And is almost afraid that I
Will commit that indiscretion.

-Ezra Pound

!!!

how to go online and be someone you're not:

if the variables align, and the equation is formatted as such, then it should be completely illogical for any failure, and epic should be impossible: unless, of course, the word "result" despises me enough to become its own entity and alter the process of hard work= pay off. 

a despondent sigh for a distressed heart

it's staggering to find out you gave someone too much credit.
everything is average until something so feverishly ignorant is said, that you find it hard to believe you have to defend their honor thereafter:

my melancholy stems in balancing a conversation with manners, when the person is a stranger. you have to work to sympathize for them and on behalf of them, i have to ask less, "how has this individual been coming along in this world, when we see and hear the same things and yet their result is dramatically anchored to intellectually different principles." i have yet so much to learn. but i have even more to come to terms with--