everyone can see my ugly. I call you by your name.
in my hands, I hold what's at stake. A piece of meat that's rare.
there is no language that can puzzle together
why I hurt
it leads me to believe I need to wall up again.
wallow my walls, you call it pride,
but aren't they strong? No one can ache me here.
I hurt me before you can. And in my mind I'm free. 

It is such a privilege to hear of someone's pain, the thoughts that make you worry that you've made the wrong decisions and will you forgive me and what can I say to make you see that at least I want to understand you but I'm sorry I fall short at the moment I can't seem to get over my own fuck ups I'm truly bothered that it looks as though I'm only feeding the selfish ego that lives inside my belly like starvation and pushes me to be someone you didn't meet someone I had no idea would grow to take your innocence and never give it back its gone somewhere dumb we are all so dumb like trash down it goes no bye-bye's for dumb girls.  You won't hear me share mine. It is a privilege to hear how much that hurt. 

what a spoiled girl

love is not for me.

dinners made, in the morning ella fitzgerald, soft words

and still it was not enough for me. 

i have been a muse. i have been inspired. 

"i will change,"

no. no, thank you. 

i didn't pack any bags. 

i live out of a car, which i am afraid to drive at the moment. 

a planner can't save me this time.

and i've buried a lot of dreams. for petty fights. clinging desperately for 

a piece of me. 

Chanting on the inside

I'm breathing into and out to the ether. Calmly, I meet my deadlines and somehow never measure to be good enough, despite giving all I have to a place that does not care for my health. Does not care for my hardships. Does not mind my time nor my abilities.

What's going to happen when I die? The falling of each letter will bury me deeper in the ground as I take my experiences with me, all the years of words quietly into my bones, disintegrating for a place on earth that does not care. 

Clinking of teeth,
What is kissing supposed to be like anyway? Wet slop and high emotions, can you do it for hours? Until my septum falls off.