classy

in addition to embarrassing my dignity, my attempts at being a responsible young woman have failed of the teeth grinding variety.

birth control should feel as empowering as it did to the women of the 50's during its birth. on a visit for a prevention vaccine and potential inquiries on the pill, i somehow got suckered into a gonorrhea and chlamydia test. how on earth does that happen? every question asked fostered a(n) honest negative, no, i have never done anything deviant and am realizing, while fidgeting with my fingers, that i am a complete prude. of the hair raising variety.

i must admit, i am impressed with my doctor as she was quite persistent, perhaps she thought of me as a liar, with such an uneventful sexual background. perhaps she hears all kinds of life styles and cover-ups, that it is all the same to her, and so proceeds to inattentively hand over all kinds of tests without there being any sort of merit.

on some level, i can respect that. but what i cant respect, is the constant logging in and out of the damn website this foolishness has caused me ( dont misunderstand, i am not worried. but anything pending immediately causes a sort of obsessive checking, like, for example, receiving your final end of semester grades, or seeing if anyone has commented on your status update on facebook, or whether or not that damn book from amazon has shipped). i hate this.


and i want my dignity back.

would you rather...

be peeled to death with a potato peeler or wake up next to a cannibal (on an island full of cannibals)?

(p.s. should you get caught on the island, you are eaten alive.)

wow, a woman

this is the conversation that annoys a man, frustrates a woman, generally confuses both and is finally reaching clarity for me:

here, i'll admit it: i love women.  so many of them. i like the mere concept of the female. my eyes are opened (constantly) at this feline who inhibits emotions so generously even if she can't pronounce them eloquently. wears vitality on her chest and when she senses another feline's awareness of these feelings she shuts the observer out (publicly, but you bet nonverbally at first)! swiftly finds the others' faults! how dare she tune herself into my sensitivities! intruder! she must be threatened by me! she must be a copy-cat! what does she know about assertion!? and where is her intellect?!

it isn't that we despise each other,  we dispose each others potential. and prematurely, we are able to dismiss the other for unwarranted reasons. i do not see a fault in the exploration of another woman's philosophies. no matter how secretive or selective she is, we, as a whole, are master linguists in her basic needs and her most complex desires/aspirations. where is the fault in acknowledging your immense spirit? what is so intrusive about earnest responsiveness? be intuitive, yes, because it is the sole accessory of your fervor, an extension of the collective experiences that have carved you a woman. but be tame, cultivate your senses until they are trained to respectfully oblige the invitation of friendship.

i am an avid believer in your eagerness to live. i hold my hands out, waving them hysterically each time you've discerned your life in risks and conquered them, friend. i am inspired by your breath and your voice. and trust that it is okay if we seem meek, our mild hands grasp tediously but not without severity. i follow your movements, and to your credit, am not embarrassed by it.

a metaphorical muscle

i've decided that i express myself more fluently through youtube videos than my fragmented sentences. tongue in cheek is more evident visually than the quantity of my exclamation marks, but really; i will use this new talent until i have biceps worth of material i can explain via snippets and content.
here is how i feel today, thank you, past: 

i like

Recently, as I was declothing the hangers of my closet, Colin was in the kitchen washing dishes. Alongside our tasks, we were listening to radio lab, laughing together from our separated walls. The topic was "falling," covering the physical action and uncovering the metaphorical expression and all of the etc-era's in between.  

There was a point in New York, where cats simply could not keep their bodies inside of the buildings. You would think that this would be a feline disaster with as many as 4 instances a day (over time, this could become an animal clinic's worst nightmare!). Notably no, these little acrobats are able to fall out of a 42 story building without a worry. Okay, there was one case, where the clumsy cat chipped its tooth. There is something about a cat, realizing in its fall that it must turn into a certain position somewhere between the 9th and the 5th floor, relaxing and- this is seriously the answer- belly flopping onto the ground.

mild conviction:

went to watch arianna huffington speak on sleep, side tracked.

grooming and fostering myself,

i have many generic goals for this year.

familiarizing myself with tolerance.
teaching abigail to quit meowing. so frequently.
log into my blog more than facebook.
becoming a little more versatile. the idiom "spreading yourself thin" sounds appealing to me, i want to accomplish everything.
finding the balance.* 15 minutes of silence? yoga? breathing exercises? writing more?  ???
eating healthier than i already am. it is not normal for a girl to eat a small bun and look 5 months pregnant thereafter. am i weaning myself off of my favorite food? yes, i am.  and beer, too. unless its a special occasion. then i'll have a stella artois, please.
learn a song, from start to finish. i dont recall one complete song that i know "by heart"...though the skipping from line to line is from the heart guaranteed.  i tried learning bill withers' "use me" earlier this year before realizing i am just too white. until i found fiona apple singing it. back in action when no one's home.
find a routine, no matter how uncool that is. i want to be a morning bird and a night owl. and for each, i want to give my best.
pass my midpoint later this fall, currently trying to find my own design philosophy. im collecting artifacts and pure words that are simple to convey but echo strongly. my girl is not romantic fluff but she is also not a jagged sword. rather, a walking poem.
be more engaged in the world.
i need to learn an eloquent way to become the listener of the conversation. is it hard to believe that people who talk a lot, don't always want to be the chief of entertainment? there is a certain pressure when everyone's eyes lean toward you, waiting that you give them material to laugh, or nod their heads to, so they have engaged in the conversation. well, you will not evade me this year. i will sit with you, and grin, too, awaiting your thoughts. no matter how awkward that shit will get.
a pro pro awkward: not falling.
learn how to correctly iron colin's dress shirts. why is it always hell? why does mom do it so effortlessly?
assert my kitchen skills more, because internally, i am quite proud of my cooking etiquette. and wear that cute apron kim bought me from a yard sale, just to celebrate my new found respect for domesticity.
work on my signature, holy shit, have i got an ugly signature.
floss more.
organize the closet and all of the paperwork i always think i will need, but never do. i'm not a hoarder. i think.
stretch more. i really like stretching.
grow out my Spock haircut. i'm not kidding.

all my life i have been afraid

 

a bee cleaning itself, morning ritual.