Boise has me feeling insomnia &  suburban  fears of time vs. money: unsafe but bitten with anger over how to restore my  self back to order or forever allow myself to be disobedient. 

I expand

Dumbfounded found myself numb
Amongst the sanitized odor, electronic beep's and tired breaths,
My second emergency visit this year, for a girl in pain

I tell jokes to keep you light
Inside I know you're scared
You're putting on a brave face

Is this what love does
Makes you blend your words
Between the IV's, the exams  and the waiting game
Makes you pull them back like laundry on a string, backward gibberish left hung to dry
But you have allergens but you might not care
For love

Is it like anticipating a bee sting
But still entering the field of sunflowers
An imagists' dream
Pound for pound
What would Ezra say to me? 

I am drunk. And I won't text you tonight.  A reach out, I don't vulnerable easy. I hate that I feel it. Harman asked me who did who tonight. I said I had to say first.

There was this bright idea of a powerful antidote, and so I began; "did you know when i was four. i loved pink panther, tu-dum-tu-dum-tu-dumdadumdadum...." I held my arms out with suspicious eyes motioning my body back and forth against the glass wall. "one time my dad went to germany to pick up my mom who was visiting her sisters my aunts and i played pink panther on my grandma who was supposed to be watering the plants in our upstairs apartment but was instead eating our food from the fridge. i hid. i heard the door lock the kind you need one key from both sides. and there were gypsies in town which is like our circus but kids can get kidnapped if they don't know whats good for them and i believe a day and a half passed when i saw my dad's shadow unlocking the door sure i was scared at night." at this point I raised my eyebrows for suspense, "he beat the shit out of me when he found me and i ran down the stairs and i lept or is it i took a leap? i lept into my grandmas arms and all my cousins rooted for grandma but my dad grabbed my legs and they fought for me. he beat the shit out of me and i deserved it." Harman chimed in with a firm but polite, "I believe in that. Sometimes kids need a good spanking."

"yes," I was feeling agreeable, "and you know, sometimes my parents would punish me and send me to my room but i was so fulfilled in there drawing and painting and they soon realized in order to punish me they had to make me sit in the living room with them but i would stop breathing. i would make myself stop breathing the same air and you know i was known to run away and hide my tiny body until i fell asleep out of pride"

I have heard "please don't run away from me," but I have learned that means nothing. Sew my hand off if I try and ever brush elbows with that again, this is why people hide. And you don't seek. 

feeling mighty "i miss yous" wondering about any bodies re place able, what's a girl to do when you're the kind of woman who has to be told, "you're coming with me" in order surrender obsessed with love afraid to the bone to fall for some one who can just leave worry less 

buy me a cup of tea/rs

it's been days, each time i turn the doorknob i say, "something good will happen to me today." 

a flood of Lost Angeles raining down my cheek and i accept every judgement.

"you do not have to be strong all of the time," these are the kinds of words that make a person feel dedicated, all year i have hurt, ached, repented-- among all of the adjectives given to me, none have tasted as gently & i feel refreshed. 

you can raise a note, and nourish her, still she will cause your mother's voice to quiver fighting back words she might be afraid to hear. i'm selfish, mom. tell me more about your ideas of vibrations. how do they tremble beyond treble clef, move colors onto flesh and still have time to shape shift i feel you going ha-ha-haa: an inhale. a crybaby. i disappoint. it hertz you. it herz you. it hurts you.